Easy assumptions

A repeated pattern

In one comment I received in a previous post one of the double role advocates was writing about all the different reasons why one should learn and dance both roles. In the end, she ended up saying that people who don’t want to dance with same-gender people must have some insecurity about their sexuality. Strike 1.

In another comment, another reader responding to the comment of another person was judging if he was homophobic or not based on his origin. The comment was something like “Oh you are from that place… No wonder you are homophobic.” Strike 2.

Another reader commented that he doesn’t see any good female leaders and that they mostly don’t know how to lead (based on his experience) only to be attacked later on by another person who assumed that he is some kind of sexual predator just by the placement of his hand on his profile photo! Strike 3.

I could go on with more examples of such exchanges but I won’t. I believe you see a common pattern here. People make assumptions about others based on irrelevant characteristics like for example, judging if someone is homophobic based on where they come from for example, or that they are sexual predators based on a random photo.

You can’t touch me

A few years ago I would respond differently to a comment that I would find offensive trying to pick a fight too. Having written close to 250 texts about all kinds of different things around tango I got comments that range from almost offensive to encouraging. So, I developed a thick skin (if you can say so). I don’t care about your opinion of me. Nobody knows me better than me (and even I don’t know myself that well), so nodoby can express an opinion about me that I can take at face value without filtering it first. If an opinion comes from a person close to me I will receive it with some consideration. If the opinion comes from a random person on Facebook who read (if at all) a text of my blog and immediately formed the opinion that I am racist, misogynistic or whatever, I don’t care. I know who I am and honestly, I don’t give a fuck for an opinion coming from a person who read just half a post because they were bored to read the whole of it. How do I know they did not read the whole text? From the comment.

In addition, one thing I learned after so much writing is that I am not my opinions. I just hold my opinions but I can very easily drop them the next minute if I see something wrong in them. That is why always in my exchanges, I try to distance myself from my opinion and leave room for doubt. I mean… I have only danced for 8 years. I am still a newbie in that. I can’t be correct in everything I write. My opinions may define who I am today but they don’t define who I was yesterday or who I will be tomorrow. Once I realized this then everything changed.

So if you try to attack my personality based on my opinion if you are right and have convincing arguments I can drop my opinion or change it and hold a better one from now on. So instead of hurting me, you are actually making me stronger. Because after our argument I will hold better opinions. I will have better weapons! I win in any case. The loser is the one who holds their opinions so strongly that it hurts them to leave them or change them. Then any attack on them becomes an attack on you as a person and you are much more vulnerable.

Understanding instead of assuming

The fact that I have developed this attitude towards argumentation does not mean that everyone out there is the same. Actually, many people are identifying so strongly with their opinions that they are personally hurt when you attack them. Such kind of attacks and insults on someone’s personality can be damaging. Especially when your assumptions about the person on the other side are false. Let’s take the example of the person who doesn’t think that female leaders are good. You may assume he is a misogynist, a predator, a person with abusive behaviour or whatever else. But have you thought of asking the person why does he think so? Maybe he has limited experiences, maybe he is used to a different image of the dance or maybe the teachers in his community have passed this idea to him. You never know. Learning the wider context… understanding the reasoning behind an opinion can make a huge difference.

A British colleague with whom I often argued once told me this. “When you assume you make an ASS out of U and ME”. Sometimes asking the question “Why do you think so?” seems unnecessary. It is far easier to assume that the other person is a bad one… that they are an opponent and immediately attack. But if instead of assuming and attacking you first ask you will be surprised with what you will learn and how much stronger you will become.

The good side of social media

The internet and even more so social media managed to connect us in impossible ways. A year ago I had a discussion with Yelisaveta on her podcast just by exchanging some messages on Facebook. Just by finding each other because of our common hobby. Under other circumstances, we would have never known about each other. Because of social media, I managed to reach out to beautiful content creators about Tango like Robert and Derek from Left Foot Right Foot and Dimitri’s Brownoski AKA The curious tanguero. We often exchange opinions, views, and feedback and although we may have slightly different views from time to time we never assume anything about each other. These people are only an image on a screen for me but I feel like we have been friends for years now.

Social media helped me also find people from all over the world who resonated with what I wrote. People who were in the same position as I described in some posts. People who gave different viewpoints that I was missing. People who explained to me why they see some things differently in a polite and respectful way and managed to make me see things differently too, change my opinions and become stronger.

Almost a year ago I started the GoodnightTango community on Facebook basically to help my friends get notified about my new posts. Now it has more than 600 people in it, many of who I have never really met in real life. Yet we can discuss and have fun around our shared passion. Who could have imagined that? I certainly couldn’t.

The dark side of social media

As much as Tango and social media can bring us together, the anonymity and perception that this person on the other side of the comment will never meet me brings also our dark side out. We don’t see each other as a human being on Facebook. We see each other as a typing avatar without feelings, emotions, life, experiences etc. Just an empty talking head.

How paradoxical is this? We love an activity that builds bridges and yet we manage to build walls and start online wars with each other without even making the effort to see who is on the other end of the line.

I had recently met in person one of those readers who were quick to respond with assumptions. They are a lovely funny person and we had a fun time dancing together as well. We didn’t go fighting. We embraced each other and danced and then went for a snack after the milonga. If you compare this to online behaviour we often see it is night and day.

The change I wish to see

Last week I asked the members of the GoodnightTango community if Tango changed their way of interacting with other persons online and in person. Many of them commented that it made them hug easier other persons. But when it came to online behaviour there was one comment that stood out. Robert mentioned he is more “trigger-happy” online. We all are. It is natural. When we read or see something different the negativity bias makes us immediately consider it as a threat and we try to attack it. But in real life, you don’t just have a comment on a screen, you have a whole body, a person who sends you immediate feedback by their reaction to what you say through their posture, their facial expression, and their voice tone. On a screen, you lose all that. You don’t know and you don’t see how the person on the other side will react. So you attack much easier.

If I wish to see a change in people’s online behaviour stemming from Tango then this is it.

Next time you feel the impulse to respond to a comment with an insult or an assumption about the other person take a moment. Take a deep breath and imagine this person is in front of you and you are dancing. Even better, imagine you just finished a super nice Tanda and you are chatting. It will put things in a totally different perspective. You will realize that even if you disagree with them, there are still things that connect you. Before you try to convince them or fight with them… think… ask… understand and in the end…. remember.

It is always OK to agree that we disagree.

That is beautiful. That is what makes our lives interesting. Wouldn’t life be boring if we all agreed on everything?

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango comes from the orchestra of Anibal Troilo. On of the most emotionally expressive orchestras which can definitely create bridges between people with their music. Even more so the specific song which a “Message” as the title says. A message to be kind because this is what matters in life. Be kind and nothing else.

How about you? Has Tango changed the way you deal with your online interactions? Have you ever thought of dealing with them like with people you dance with? Have you ever made false assumptions about the people you discuss with online? Have you ever regretted that? Let me know…

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