We need you

Quitting Tango

I haven’t seen her for some time but I assumed she was on vacation. It was summertime and I assumed our timings were a bit off so we hadn’t seen each other for a couple of months or so. When I saw her, I asked how she was. What she told me was surprising. She had some doubts if she meant anything to the community and thought of taking a break to see if anyone would seek out her. She wanted to check if she was needed in some way in the community.

She is not a very old lady but her grey hair and maybe a couple of “strange” experiences led her to assume that maybe she didn’t matter to the community so she could check out. She is not the only one. I have a couple of friends in Greece who have almost completely checked out from the community because when they visit a milonga they feel unseen and useless. If nobody asks you to dance then does anyone need you to be there? Yes. It is very easy to feel neglected, invisible and in the end, useless in Tango communities. So why bother to keep showing up? You quit… Check out and find another hobby (or not).

Men, sex and Tango

The need to be needed

When I first joined Latin classes my later-on partner told me that they always need men for the leader role and if I joined they would appreciate it. Of course, I had an interest in the dance but the “We need you” part was just an extra nudge that made me lean towards going and I finally did. I find this feeling of being needed a strong motivation for doing things in general especially when it comes to community-related aspects. I never volunteered, for example, to help in organising a milonga or a marathon etc. but when I was asked by a friend to help because they were short-handed I said yes.

In a recent discussion in the community, I had the same discussion with two female teachers about how viable is it to continue encouraging female leaders as a solution to role imbalance. I reasoned that maybe, in the end, this trend would discourage men from joining the community and even more encourage men to check out from a community. The reason for this checking out is fundamentally the same as in the aspect of ageism from the side of older followers. You go to a milonga, nobody wants to dance with you, so you say… “Well… I am not needed here. I might as well do something else.” Their response was to ask me if I dance because I want to feel needed and I answered that I no longer feel like this. However, in my first steps, realising that I was needed by the community was important to make me stick with it. I didn’t realise during the discussion that I still want to feel needed. Maybe I don’t have this need so strong anymore because it is a given. It is fulfilled to its fullest. But if for some reason, I visit milongas and nobody cares to dance with me, then I would definitely start thinking about what am I doing there. Come on… let’s be honest who doesn’t want to feel needed?

Men’s suicide and identity crisis

A few days ago I saw a very nice interview with Richard Reeves on the “Diary of a CEO” podcast. Richard Reeves is President of the American Institute for Boys and Men, an organisation that researches and addresses issues affecting men. The discussion was about the progress our modern societies have made in terms of gender equality and what this means for boys and men today. It’s a two-hour discussion and there is so much to unpack. In this post, I will focus on one of the things pointed out which is that there is an increasing number of suicides from men in the last years as well as young men checking out from social or community-related activities like school, work, communities of different kinds etc. One of the most interesting things pointed out was what a study in Australia revealed. They analysed the letters of men who died from suicide and they found out that the two most frequent words used to describe themselves were useless and worthless.

Think about it. Today’s society has progressed in terms of women’s rights and gender equality and women do have more freedom and power than ever before. This led to a deconstruction of the narrative that gave some purpose and meaning in life for men. The narrative of building a family and producing a surplus from what a person needs, so that they can provide for their family is now often obsolete. If women now are financially independent they don’t need a man to provide for them. Moreover, men are also left out of many jobs and even find themselves in relationships where the woman earns and provides more than them. All this leads to an identity crisis. Men and boys who face such situations lose the purpose of life, don’t know why they are needed in this world, and very easily decide to check out from social activities or even life altogether.

The need to feel needed in a community is vital to our social lives. It is important for our mental health and for our lives in general. We need to be part of communities where we offer something that is needed, otherwise there is no purpose in being part of them. The more we feel useless the more we disconnect from family, friends, and society and end up lonely and loneliness today is considered a major threat to our health. So yes… The need to feel needed is not some sign of some psychological problem. It should not be questioned and if anyone asks you “Why do you want to feel needed?” you can simply answer “Because it keeps me alive.”. It is a crucial social element that keeps us connected in this world and it is not a man’s only need. It is a generic human need.

---

Let’s Co-Create

---

A look into the future?

Having heard the discussion I couldn’t help but draw parallels to Tango communities. If the female leaders are empowering women to enjoy more dances and become more independent from men in our communities where is the purpose for men to join Tango in the long run? How attractive would be a community that you join but do not feel needed because… well… we already have enough female leaders to cover our needs. It doesn’t stop there. It is the same with old women too. If the major image communicated by the tango industry is that tango is danced only by young ladies then what place do older women have in such a community? Where is the purpose of joining our community if they see that nobody needs them? Why should they bother joining or staying in Tango?

I am not writing all this to say that the female leaders’ movement is bad or anything like that. It is definitely an improvement and those who know me know how much I enjoy dancing with double roller ladies. The discussion here needs to be more nuanced than picking a side. The discussion must be honest and open from both sides to spot potential problems because if we look at the way society evolved and the unintended consequences that the feminist movement has on boys and men today, it is only logical to expect that our Tango communities will reflect that and face similar issues tomorrow.

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango is a goodbye of a man to his friends saying that now that he lost his love and his mother there is no reason for him to live anymore. The need to feel needed is vital for the existence of communities. Acknowledging that and thinking about what it means for our communities is really important in a world that is rapidly changing.

So how about you? Do you want to feel needed by the community? Would you stay in a community that doesn’t need you anymore? Would you join in the first place? Have you ever thought of quitting Tango because you thought you were not needed?

Do you have something to say on the topic?

Did you like the post? Spread the word…