A ridiculously biased, toxic man. Me!

Different “normals”

During my PhD, I had to conduct some experiments with blind people using a web browser that I had developed. The first time I introduced them to it, I told them to type in a specific (long) link and try it out. It was just then that I realized how biased my view of this world is. You see, I was expecting them to type as we all do the web address but they couldn’t see what they were typing. So they couldn’t understand when they made a mistake. They explained to me that it would be really useful to hear back the character they typed to have instant feedback. Like what we do when we type but with sound. It was then that I realized that although I think in some specific way, that is not a given for everyone else and your own life experiences play a big role in that.

What I consider normal is not necessarily normal for you and vice versa. Normal is just a construct of our minds. Actually, there is not just one “normal”, there are many “normals”. Yours, mine, the guy who just found the post by accident, the lady’s who is looking for a cheesecake recipe and found this post, etc. Given that, let’s have a look at the reaction to my last post.

Roles, identities and… the catch

My blog, my view

In my last post, I received some comments (as expected) that suggested that my view was ridiculous, biased and wrong. It is true. My views are ridiculous, they are biased and they are wrong. Why? Because they were my views. Not yours. You need to understand that I don’t express everyone’s views here. Basically I never express your views…. I only express my own biased views which some times agree with yours and others not. Just because some of my views agree with yours it doesn’t mean we need to agree on everything. And that is TOTALLY fine.

As already explained we all have different “normals”. I find normal what I wrote. I find normal what Dana Frigoli says. I find normal my view (which by the way it wasn’t even an strong opinion but just a question). I find reasonable to ask the question of authenticity. Based on my “normal” it makes sense.

Your “normals” can be different. You may be dancing both roles. You may not have a problem with different types of music. If what you do feels OK to you… if you don’t feel awkward trying to dance the opposite role, then fine by me. You are authentic in what you do and this is what matters. Actually… even if to me your dance looks awkward, if you feel perfectly fine with it then why should you care for my opinion? Do I know how you feel when you dance? Obviously not! I certainly don’t care about what others think about my dance unless they are my partner. If someone tells me my dance looks awkward just by looking from the sidelines… I will just say… Yes… It does…(to you).

The first problem

Recently I saw a post about the reasons why someone should start learning the opposite role. I  found this really interesting and to be honest I agreed with most of the reasons. So I asked. “As I understand… the purpose of learning the other role (no matter which one) is not necessarily to dance it socially. Right?“. The answer was “No. It’s to be able to dance it socially and to up your game!“. This is kind of the problem. Of course “being able to dance” the opposite role doesn’t mean you will actually do it. But still, I feel a bit pressed. Most of the time, when I discuss with double role advocates I feel like there is pressure to do so even to people who wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that. If I was a woman in a community with the usual gender imbalance, being capable of dancing as a leader, would inevitably push me to lead so that I don’t sit. Actually this is one of the major reasons presented by double role advocates for ladies to start leading.

We advocate often that we have the freedom of choice, that we should unapologetically say no to partners that we don’t want to dance with, and that nobody is obliged to dance with everyone. Yet… When it comes to roles, if I want to learn the other role am I somehow forced to dance it? Why? Where is my freedom of choice? Where is the respect to my will? Isn’t the gender imbalance a kind of pressure to the followers to dance the opposite role for the sake of more tandas? Would they do it in a reasonably balanced community? All this seems like we are sometimes force-feeding people to dance the opposite role as a workaround for the real problems in our communities.

I get that some people may have a different life and experience from me. This probably leads to having different “normals” than I do. But as much as I respect and don’t try to force my “normal” to them… I would expect the same by them. Why should I be treated differently? If you think that my previous post was trying to force my opinion… read it again and think about it. I am asking if you feel authentic when you dance a role. What I am asking could as well lead people to permanently switch role (even going to the opposite gender one) just because they feel more authentic dancing in them. There is no problem expressed against it. All I was writing is… Whatever you choose to do, make sure you like it and you don’t do it just to fit in, follow a trend, dance more, or because you are afraid of being considered a conservative anachronistic person.

The second biggest problem

When I cabeceo a lady, I like a lot to follow the protocol of approaching her and taking her from her seat etc. I also like a lot to hold her hand before we get on the dance floor guiding her to our entry point. I also like it a lot to accompany my partner to the exit (or table) in the end of the dance. I also enjoy a lot to take care of her when we dance, look out for dangers on the dancefloor, protect her and make sure she is relaxed and safe to unfold her full potential. In my dance I also enjoy very much that I can be assertive and decide which part of the music we will dance, which vocabulary we will use etc. I do all this not because it is dictated by etiquette, my role or because I expect a reward. I do them because I simply enjoy doing them. There is an intrinsic motivation for them.

I know that some people will think that most of this is too old fashioned. In many of the comments I received in the previous post there were references to how tango was in the 40s and how men back then were much more “macho” which obviously leads to many other connotations. The reference was implying that I supported somehow a return to this status. We are past these as a society and we did for good reason. I am well aware of this and I definitely like the way we progressed as societies in this aspect.

In the podcast I linked two post ago, Richard Reeves was discussing the idea of masculinity and how modern societies and extreme feminism led to the idea that masculinity is “bad”. Have you heard the phrase “toxic masculinity”? The image of the macho tanguero form the 40s can easily be connected to it. Right? In the podcast, he says that if you ask the question what is healthy masculinity then the answer you get is set of traits mostly associated with femininity like nurturing, caring, being sensitive etc. So do we consider healthy masculinity being feminine?

Most of the behaviours I mentioned in the beginning could be taken as acts of toxic masculinity. “Why do I need to hold my partner’s hand to guide her on the dance floor? Is she not able to do it by herself? Do I think she is unable to.just meet me on the floor? Do I think I am somehow superior to her?”. You see… every action, gesture and opinion can be taken to the extreme and be easily labeled as extreme or toxic. This is the problem I was facing. I was afraid that if I admitted that I don’t want to dance socially as a follower I would be considered a toxic macho man who still thinks that lives in the 40s.

But you know what? Between the toxic macho man and the man who is dancing the follower role socially there is a whole range of other men. Men who do all those gestures I mentioned, not because they look down on their partners but for exactly the opposite reason. Because they want to support them and see them shine. The same goes the other way around too. Between the totally submissive passive woman of the 40s and the woman who leads there is a large spectrum of women who enjoy being taken care and who enjoy these small gestures of chivalry and masculinity. Why should we label all these as one of the two extremes? Why should we be labeled as toxic or submissive. We should be not afraid to say and do what we like without the fear. of misjudgment and misinterpretation.

This is why Dana’s interview inspired me. Because she dared to say… I am a woman… I am a feminist… And I don’t like to dance as a leader. The latter doesn’t make her any less of a feminist or any more of an old-school submissive passive woman. And do you know what I also enjoy very much when I dance? Letting my partner take decisions on the music and follow her. Listen to her mood and follow it. Become a follower while on the leader’s role. I know that some of my partners also enjoy that very much. For others, it may still feel awkward or strange. You see… although the roles of women and men have changed in societies we still are different in some aspects. What we need to do, is find our balance and discover ourselves in this framework of genders so that we can enjoy being masculine or feminine and at the same time respect, admire, champion and push each other forward.

We already live in a world that favours polarization. A short scroll on social media can show you what I mean. If a person is not on our end of the spectrum then they must be on the other. We forget that between our end and the other, there is such a long distance filled with people who are afraid to express themselves because their opinions will automatically be misinterpreted and even abused to fit into one or the other extreme. Let’s just not do this in Tango too! Please! Let’s acknowledge these middle-ground people and respect their views for what they are.

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango

Tango is full of songs with stories of women who were expected to conform to their husband’s expectations becoming passive wives. Tonight’s Goodnight Tango tells the story of a French lady who falls in love and marries a rich Argentinian man only to realize that the life and role he imagined for her was far from what she dreamed. Trapped in a life she never wanted ends up in alcohol and drugs.

So how about you? How easily do you label someone to an extreme? Are you on some kind of extreme? Are you one of those persons in the middle range afraid to speak out loud about what you like and what not? Are you silent because you are afraid of being misjudged and misinterpreted? Let me know…

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