It is a woman’s world.

The solution to gender imbalance

In my previous post, I argued that the solution to gender imbalance is to try and get more men into Tango. I also tried to present an argument about why men should be involved in Tango, which might not be very obvious. I neglected to mention the other obvious solution to the problem. The female leaders. Indeed. Women who start as followers and learn to lead are a force to reckon and they can be a solution to the role imbalance.

My only concern up to now, was that men who join might feel neglected by the community and therefore decide to leave early on. I expressed this in one of the previous posts as well. In a comment I received on my post about men in Tango, there was the suggestion that we don’t have enough good leaders and that followers turning to leaders will increase competition between leaders pushing them to get better. In theory, this argument sounds perfect. Indeed. In a market with a small amount of suppliers introducing more suppliers will increase competition and consequently quality of the supply. But is it really working this way in practice?

The obsolete argument.

If you are a businessman and you want to get rich by beating the competition in a market what do you need? Either a good quality product at a fair price or… an advantage over your competitors. In businesses the biggest advantage anyone can have is information. That is why businesses have lobbyists, that is why they keep secrets about their newest developments, that is why they spread fake rumours about new products etc. It’s all an information war. The one who is better informed has the advantage and wins.

In an ideal world and a fair market nobody would have any advantage and the playing field would be level for all players.  So let’s examine if the leaders’ playing field is indeed level when you include female leaders in it.

Men have the advantage of being men. Many women want to dance with men. And many men believe that female followers are never going to be as good as male ones. This is clearly bullshit. We are all people able to move and dance in whatever role we like. Living in a world where the position of women gets higher and higher every day, men who support the position that “women cannot lead as men” are becoming obsolete. In any case, we want to see what happens when female leaders compete with male ones. So these kinds of prejudice are kind of irrelevant. Not to mention that prejudice in terms of information is not actually information and doesn’t provide to any business a long-lasting competitive advantage.

Mary and John

Let’s assume that you have two leaders. On the one side, you have Mary who started as a follower, danced for 3 years and now is learning the leading role for 1 year.  On the other hand, you have John who just started learning Tango and he is obviously interested in the leader role although his teachers insist that he learns in parallel with the follower as well. Are they even? Is the competition between them fair or is one of them holding some information that is giving them a competitive advantage? In a draft poll in the goodnight community last week the overwhelming majority went for Mary if they had to choose between the two as followers. But why?

The female leader having the experience of the follower role is already familiar with basic techniques. Mary already knows for example how it feels to be led into a cross. She just needs to mimic the technique that has so far been used on her. Having this tactile and experiential information is already an advantage over John who doesn’t know anything about disassociation, stepping, walking, lines etc. So Mary already has one point. Moreover, she also has experienced bad leading examples and knows very well how it feels to be pushed, pulled and lectured about what she should do as a follower. So she knows what to avoid. John on the other side doesn’t have a clue and if no one educated him properly not only on the technical but also on the soft aspects he might never know how is his behavior perceived by his partners.

Mary has been listening to Tango music for 3 years in milongas and classes. Even if she hasn’t studied musicality in particular she is quite familiar with many songs. She knows what to expect from them and already probably has her favourite songs and orchestras. As a leader knowing the music is an immense advantage because you can plan your dance much better, you can adjust your targeting for partners when the Tanda starts and in general music is not your enemy but rather your friend. John on the side doesn’t know shit about orchestras and music, can’t distinguish between major orchestras, often doesn’t know what comes next in the music and possibly tries to cabeceo just whoever is available without any specific targeting. Obviously, Mary wins again the advantage in this area.

Mary has also familiarized herself with the etiquette in milongas. She is over the uncomfortable feeling of doing a mirada or a cabeceo and knows generally how to behave in a milonga. After three years of experience she probably also knows what is not nice and knows well to avoid asking for dances without a cabeceo or insisting and insulting followers if they don’t dance with her. On the other hand, the social context of a milonga for John is a totally new world. He needs to act a lot out of the ordinary, he still feels uncomfortable looking women in the eyes and doesn’t have yet developed strategies on how to navigate this social context. He feels like an outsider and once again Mary takes the lead in this area.

After three years Mary also knows a lot of people in the community. Among them, she knows quite a lot of fellow followers who started learning Tango with her and are at a quite good level. She feels more comfortable asking them for a Tanda as a leader and they feel less intimidated and much more comfortable to dance with her even if her skills are not yet fully developed. John on the other hand knows mostly his classmates who are also at the beginning of the journey. He feels very intimidated and uncomfortable asking a more advanced follower and therefore dances mainly with his classmates or other beginners. Mary once again has an advantage which is a crucial one.

Finally, Mary has experienced leaders who had bad technique and tried to impress her with fancy moves putting herself in danger. She knows that she loves it when her partners are gentle, and kind, with a warm embrace and when they go easy on her focusing on connecting with her rather than trying every new move they learned just an hour ago. John on the other hand wants to try every new move in his book. He doesn’t understand what the famous connection is and thinks that if he impresses his partners with a fancy move he increases the chance of getting another Tanda in the future. Come on guys… Let’s accept it… We all were like this in our first year! Once again Mary is in a better position.

The milonga experience

When visiting the milonga John has a quite difficult and not really encouraging experience. He dances mostly with his classmates and some of them will prefer to dance with the female leaders of the class. The slightly more advanced followers have an eye for skilled dancers and he is almost invisible. He thinks that it must be his lack of vocabulary and tries to execute as many as possible fancy moves in case he will impress a good follower to accept his cabeceo. Other good leaders don’t talk much to him and even in discussions with his classmates, he sees that they all share the same problems.

They were told that Tango needs more men but now that they joined it looks like nobody really pays attention to them. They feel invisible and neglected and wonder if Tango is really for them. Inevitably many of them will quit or stay a long time (if not forever) in their illusions about what it means to be a good leader trying to impress with moves their partners and hoping to get a break.

On the other hand, Mary has no reason to leave. She is now getting even more dances as a follower and as a leader, she is enjoying her time in the milonga and feels she has a purpose in the community. She needs to support fellow followers in their journey, being the leader who will be there for them when the imbalance in the milonga makes their lives difficult.

Mary has all the good reasons to stay while John has all the good reasons to leave. It is no wonder that the trend of female leaders is increasing as it is also no wonder that the amount of men will continue to decrease.

Let’s Co-Create

A self-fulfilling prophecy?

John finds a group on Facebook about Tango. He follows discussions around beginner leaders and sees that it is not just his community. Men all over the world complain that they are neglected by women. Women on the other hand complain about the lack of good leaders and that men focus on the steps and never go beyond that, only to be blamed back that they don’t give a chance to potentially good leaders etc. It looks like a battle of the sexes. Everything is black or white and there is no middle ground for him. In the end, he thinks to himself… “OK… Maybe men are not meant to dance. Maybe we just don’t have it in us. We are not as good as women and we will never be”. If he happens to like Tango a little bit as a music genre etc. he might just stay but never progress beyond an intermediate dancer because well he is a man… and as he is now set in his mind, he is not made for dancing. Otherwise, he quits.

As I see it, the female leaders’ movement is an answer to the problem of gender imbalance. There are not many men to dance with women and women fill in the space. Some women also admit that if it wasn’t for the gender imbalance they would not possibly learn to lead. So we agree that we need more men and in the meantime, we cover the gap with female leaders. That is good. However, the message that is quite often passed by female leaders is that we can do it without men too. So the messaging passed to new leaders is “We are better and we don’t really need you“. Do you see the confusion? The movement started to answer a problem and in the process, it kind of hinders the problem from being solved. Right?

In the end maybe all this discussion around men not wanting to dance or not being able to dance well or not being able to learn fast etc. using as comparison and competition female leaders, maybe works as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes. Men will not increase… Men will be increasingly discouraged and women will continue thriving. But in the end… Is this the tango we want?

Maybe, paraphrasing the song by James Brown, “Tango will be a woman’s world, but it will be nothing without a boy or a man.”

Respect and patience

First of all, if you reached that point and you think I blame female leaders for the decrease of men in Tango, then you didn’t pay much attention. Female leaders and double rollers did not create the problem in the first place. They are a necessary solution to a problem created by social conditioning on men. Given that, they should and must continue to be an increasing trend.

I believe that men who join Tango and want to stay with it are men who are often, at least to some degree lonely and hurt but they are afraid to admit that. Our behavior as communities towards them is making them feel even lonelier and hurt. Instead of embracing them, we throw them in a pit and let them figure it out on their own. Competition would work if the field was level but as you realize the female leaders are at an obvious advantage. So what can we do?

Let’s start by convincing them that Tango IS for men too! Let’s destroy the prejudice that men are not made for dancing. Let’s find compelling and convincing arguments based on real life experiences to support them. No dreams, no fake promises, real tangible benefits that they can enjoy.

Given that they finally join, let’s first of all, acknowledge them. Acknowledge their existence first and foremost and then their struggles and their problems. Tell them it is what it is and everyone had to go through similar struggles. Make them feel part of a tribe…. a gang bound by similar struggles.

Next, respect them. Don’t belittle them by generalizing with arguments like “Men don’t care to learn“… “Men can’t learn“. Give them the time and space to find their footing. It is a new world and it takes time to adjust. Respect that and just be there for them.

Along with respect make sure they understand that respect and support don’t mean a white check. They need to put in the effort. You are not going to make it easier for them, they will need work but you will be there for them.

Finally, encourage them but not overdo it. Celebrate their wins no matter how small they are. Make sure they are noticed and even better (if you are a follower) “congratulate” them with a Tanda.

First wingmen then competitors

Most of the aforementioned advice is targeted at both men and women in a community. Both can play their role in supporting, respecting and encouraging new men in a community. Everyone should take part if we want to solve our problems. However, I believe there is a small group in the community which is especially equipped for the job. Guess who…

Female leaders! YES! You read it right!

Female leaders can become the wingmen for new male leaders. First of all, male leaders rarely talk to each other in a milonga. Most of the time they are focused on following what is happening so that they can find the right moment, the right cabeceo etc. It is also natural (due to the dance) for a man to know more women than men in the community. So a female leader who also dances as follower can much easier approach a new male leader than any other man.

Women are also more keen to socialize with each other than men. There are so many times that my partner would tell me about a leader that is in the community and I hardly even know their name! Women thrive much more than men in a social environment like the milonga forming connections with each other. Even the female leaders’ movement is partly driven by this trait. This means that they can easily act as a gateway for reaching and connecting with further followers outside of their classmates.

So female leaders can be relatable to new male leaders knowing the struggles they are going through while they also can approach them easier and have an already formed social network of follower friends. They check all the boxes to become a new leader’s wingman. They can be the person who will welcome them. They can be the person who will introduce them to other members of the community including experienced leaders who can act as role models. They can also be the insider who can advise what followers really appreciate in the dance. Finally, once they start getting their footing and spreading their own wings they can also serve as healthy and fair competition.

Men leaders especially advanced ones can also play that role. But it is far easier for women to approach new men as it is far easier for men to approach and welcome new women in the community. That is why I believe that female leaders can act as the gateway for welcoming and helping new leaders form connections so that they have a stronger incentive to stay in Tango.

I might be asking too much from female leaders. Empowering women affected by role imbalance and at the same time supporting new men can be a tall order to fulfill at the same time. But you know what? You signed up for two roles… Time to play them both in full! (Just joking).

Jokes aside, the more I think of it the stronger I believe that you (female leaders) are the right persons for the right job. After all, you started leading to counter the gender/role imbalance. Wouldn’t you like to tackle the problem at its root?

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango

Tonight’s goodnight tango comes from a female voice and challenges societal judgments and stereotypes. While it’s primarily about the female experience, its assertive tone and Merello’s vocal confidence fit with the idea of female leaders. As the character Tita Merello portrays in the song, they are definitely a force to reckon and if used in the right way they can help the communities to grow in a healthier and more balanced way.

So what do you think about it? Do you think that female leaders can and should only help followers who struggle with gender imbalance? Could they play a bigger role in attracting and keeping men in Tango? Most importantly…. are you one of them? How do you see your role in the community?

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