Why is your milonga so… “cold”?

A tale of two milongas

“When I am in milonga A I feel like home but in milonga B I feel I need to be careful with each and every step I take… I feel like I am constantly under judgment.” A friend of mine told me that comparing the vibe he gets between two different milongas in the city. He is not in the league of the best dancers. However, he enjoys Tango. He seems to be stuck with it as far as I can tell. For a long time, I was pondering on that statement. I do get a similar kind of difference between the vibes of different milongas within the same community. I couldn’t point my finger at why this happens. I believe that the organisers set the tone in a milonga. But this is not enough. How does this happen practically? I mean… Ok… They might be dancing only with specific friends, and you might say this is. But is it? What if they don’t dance? Or what if they dance with a lot of people? Is this enough to set a different vibe based on who the organisers dance wth?

A few years ago I would tell you it was that simple. I would tell you that the answer is just that. But it can’t be. I visited multiple milongas since I heard this comment. I also brought to mind the organisers’ behaviours from past experiences. I tried to observe what the organisers are doing, which gives some milongas a colder, more judgemental vibe than others. After months of personal observations, I came to some conclusions. In my previous post, I discussed how advanced dancers who are judgemental often end up behaving like rich a$$holes.

With this in mind, I think I can provide a list of some attitudes. These attitudes are not very obvious but contribute significantly to this vibe. By the way… I did ask the community what makes a good organiser after I wrote most ot this post. I think most of the answers confirmed what you will read below.

The reception!

I arrived at the milonga and just before me at the entrance, another couple of guests arrived too. The organisers greet them with an embrace and a short personal chat that reveals a vibe of familiarity. They pay, they finish the chat and move on. My turn comes. I am greeted with a simple handshake (sometimes I don’t even receive that). A short hi or welcome follows and then I directly pay and move on. Obviously, the organisers knew the guests arriving before me. Obviously, they didn’t know me, so they were mostly transactional and cold with me. I completely understand it. But subconsciously I am being placed on the second-class guests list. I see the people in front of me being treated like first-class guests. Yet, I am treated like second class, although we pay the same for the entrance. In an airline, treating the first-class passengers friendlier is understandable. But in a milonga? What should I do to be a first-class guest?

Now compare this with this other milonga. When I visited it a long time ago for the first time, the organisers greeted me with an embrace. They take the time to ask me some typical questions. They ask who I am and if I live there, etc. The usual short chat that you could have with whoever you meet for the first time. They provide some basic orientation, etc., I pay and then get in. Although I was not a friend, although they didn’t even know me, I was greeted like a first class guest. I was treated like anyone else from their regular guests. I was so surprised when I received this kind of reception. I will never forget it. I returned to it again and again and I joined other milongas the organisers did after that. They won me right from the first seconds.

You see… like the beginning of a Tanda where the first moments of the embrace can set the tone for the rest of it, the same goes with the first moments of a guest in a milonga. If they see a different kind of reception for different guests, it automatically registers as a difference in the preferences of guests. I know this is probably not the intention… but come on… we are Tango dancers… why not use your embrace to greet your guests? Is there any other more generous and welcoming gesture? And why should we keep this only for our friends, if we are the hosts? Why not honour all our guests equally? It’s so simple… but believe me… it goes a loooooong way! A really long way! And if you don’t feel comfortable embracing strangers… then… really? Are you dancing Tango?

Private gossiping and public praising

Do you remember how being judgemental makes you come off as an a$$hole especially if you are an experienced dancer? Now imagine being an experienced dancer who organised a milonga and you are judgmental about some of your guests. You think you are just gossiping with some of your close friends or students. You think that the music is loud enough and nobody can hear you. You assume many things… but you don’t know that someone in close range might hear you and transfer the comments to the person you are gossiping about. You may also not realise that your body language and the way you discuss give you off. I admit it. I have done it too. But at least I don’t organise any milonga. As I said… we are all judgmental. But if you are an organiser, please try to control it during your milonga. Even the slightest look or gesture is enough to give someone a bad vibe. And you know what is worse? Nobody will tell you so. Nobody will come to tell you to your face, I saw you gossiping about me, and I don’t like it. They will just stop coming to you milonga and you will wonder why. It only takes a few more weeks until they spread the word and your reputation and your milonga vibe have automatically taken a hit.

On the other hand, you have organisers that would praise or tease friends who are dancing during the dance. They would sit out, and when you pass in front of them they will say something about you loudly so that you can hear and react. OK. For the people in that exchange, this looks like a friendly roasting or teasing. But for the rest, it gives off again the vibe of two class guests. There are your friends who you treat warmer than the rest. It’s not a huge turn-off… and maybe some people will not really pay attention to it. But, you can understand how it can lead people to think that you have double standards. When it’s done between advanced dancers it easily leads to an insider-outsider dynamic that automatically gives off the wrong vibe to the rest.

If you want to tease and be playful, have the decency, the guts and the courage to do it not only with your close friends or advanced dancers. Do it with any kind of guest. New or regular, advanced or beginner, leader or follower! If some of your guests are annoyed, at least they can see you are like this with everyone, so they will feel happy you see them like any other guest.

Time spent with guests

Have you ever been to a milonga where the organiser is surrounded at their table by a usual group of people? Almost always the same? You see them having a good time and apart from the logistics of the milonga, they don’t seem to care about the rest of the guests. What smells snobbier than this? Nothing!

If you organise a milonga for your friends only, then do it so. Make it private and don’t request guests to come to your milonga only to feel like being ignored the whole time. A milonga organiser that creates a friendly non-judgmental vibe will be all over the place. Chatting and mingling with guests of all kinds. New and regular, advanced and beginners, students or not, etc. They won’t discriminate. Also, they approach people with genuine curiosity. Especially the new guests. No matter their level, no matter the school they come from, no matter their style, they will approach and strike even the simplest of conversations.

People come to Tango and to milongas to be seen. That is why the cabeceo still thrives and is supported worldwide. It makes your partner and yourself feel seen. As a host, have the decency to make your guests feel seen. It’s not necessary to dance with all of them. Obviously, this is impossible but if you put the effort to “see” as many people as possible, it will be acknowledged even by the ones you didn’t manage to “see”.

Embracing imperfection

The curiosity of a good organiser will go hand in hand with the acknowledgement and humility that they are not perfect. Milonga organisers who approach and ask trusted guests and newcomers for feedback automatically show that they are looking for improvement. They automatically sign that they know that they are there to provide a service and ask to see how they can improve it.

But it doesn’t stop there. When there is criticism, they acknowledge it. They respect it and do not try to deflect it. Even better, they try to understand where it comes from and remedy the problems if possible. As I wrote in the post about data distance and bias, they take distance from their event and they constantly try to improve it, by being open to feedback from anyone. Now, it’s not easy to get honest feedback, especially if you painted yourself as an expert or an experienced member who knows everything and is always right. Who will come to tell you that there is a problem here? If you don’t get negative feedback it’s not because you are perfect… It’s not because you know best and you do everything perfectly… It’s most probably because you are not making people comfortable to give you the feedback they want. It’s because you don’t acknowledge that you are imperfect.

Not visiting other milongas

The list of behaviours that create a certain vibe in a milonga can go on forever. I think these are some of the behaviours I have seen and I could point to. There are certainly many more. But there is one behaviour of great milonga organisers that doesn’t have to do with their milonga.

They visit other milongas!

If you are a social dancer, and you organise a milonga, because you want to serve the community, then why is it that you only get to dance socially in your milonga? Why won’t you ever visit another milonga unless you have to promote an event or DJ there? Is it because there is no other good milonga in your community apart from yours? Isn’t this judgemental? If this is what you believe… how do you expect your milonga to not give off judgemental vibes? Visiting other milongas first and foremost shows you are an active member of the whole community. Secondly, it shows respect to fellow organisers and humility in recognising that there are other good events out there apart from your “perfect” one!

I know I may be asking too much and I don’t expect that you are in any other milonga every night. But at least pick some and from time to time, go get some fun! Isn’t this why you dance tango after all? Isn’t the fun much better when you don’t have to bother with all the other milongas logistics? Do yourself a favour!

The common denominator

In the previous post, I was discussing the influence of luck in our tango journeys. I was pointing out how sometimes we ignore the luck we had and become judgemental. Do you know what is the common denominator between all these subtle behaviours I described above? Judgmental mentality. YES. The organisers who exhibit this behaviour have judged their guests and subconsciously behave differently to them. They don’t do it on purpose. They do it because on the back of their head, some people who are better than others deserve a better service from them than the rest.

How can it change? The key word in most answers I got in the community was “host”. The right mindset is not to think that you are an organiser but a host who invites their friends to their home to have a good time. With this in mind, everyone coming in should be treated like an invited guest… like a good friend of yours! Not simply like a participant or a client. 

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango

It’s hard to find a Tango song about judgemental mentality or distant and cold heroes, but the way Malena is painted in Tonight’s Goodnight Tango is slightly fitting. Therefore, I couldn’t resist using it for this post.

So how about you? Have you noticed these or any other behaviours from organisers that give off a slight but firm air of judgement, snobbism and arrogance? Do you think they affect the vibe of the milonga or do you think they are insignificant? Let me know in the comments…

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