The broken pebble jar

Tango is all about trust

We all know it.
We open our embraces and let strangers in, expecting that they will not harm us physically or emotionally. This requires a great deal of trust. And the more we dance, the more we learn to trust… or distrust some partners.

But there is a kind of trust that seems to get lost in some communities or milongas. And it’s the kind of trust that, at least for me, can make the difference between an amazing milonga and an okay one.

But before we get there, let’s take a detour to understand how we build trust.

“Trust me” doesn’t build trust

A few weeks ago, I watched the episode with Brené Brown in DOAC. There’s a section where she explains what trust really is and how it’s built.
She starts with a story about her daughter who came back crying from school because some friends of hers spread over the school something that she had confided to them. When she asked her about which of her classmates she trusted, she answered with a few classmates who did seemingly small, unnoticed acts like remembering stuff about her and giving her a place to sit in the canteen, etc.

That’s when she introduces the idea of the trust as a pebble jar.
Trust, she says, is like a jar that fills up with little acts showing others we care about them. Acts like making space for them at the table, inviting them to dinner, remembering something personal they told us, and so on.

Trust isn’t gained in a single moment when someone says, “Trust me, I know, do what I say.”
It’s gained little by little, through small acts of kindness and care.

The lost trust

I was at a milonga the other day and didn’t know many of the dancers. I’ve been in similar situations many times. Sometimes I leave amazed and pleased, other times disappointed.
This one was one of the disappointing ones.
Why? Because somehow, I felt I couldn’t trust anyone on the dance floor.

As leaders, we are mostly responsible for the navigation, and that plays a huge role in the atmosphere of a milonga. When I took my first classes, I remember our teacher talking about the leader’s cabeceo, and wherever I am, I try to keep it.
I say try because there are cases where, if I were to keep it, I’d either injure people entering in front of me without a cabeceo or I’d have to wait a whole song to enter the ronda.
So, in places where nobody follows it, I go with the flow… trying to be as careful as possible.

But here’s the problem.
Remember how trust is built? Little by little, through small acts of caring.
This cabeceo rule isn’t just about navigation. It’s about something deeper: building trust… not just with your partner, but with the couples around you.

Sounds crazy?
Notice how different you feel when you enter the floor after a successful cabeceo, compared to when you don’t.
For me, entering the ronda without it feels like walking into an arena ready for battle.
Entering with it feels like joining a march… a collective.
It’s the difference between being one against all and one of all.

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The greater effect

I know, some people might think I’m overreacting or exaggerating, but here’s the thing. I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum, and I notice how it makes me feel.
Even if you don’t, think about what goes through your mind when a couple just enters the ronda without notice, right in front of you. Don’t you immediately label them as “the ignorant,” “the inconsiderate,” or “the enemy”?

That kind of feeling stays with you. You might think you brush it off, but it’s a speck in an otherwise nice event… a tiny anomaly that stands out.
Now imagine that this anomaly becomes the rule… that everyone does it.
The experience quickly shifts from amazing to something on the opposite end of the spectrum.

A note to organisers

One thing organisers can do, and I’ve seen it done successfully, is remind their guests of such rules and ask them to respect them to create a nicer atmosphere.
If you think it’s silly or pointless, just give it a try. Mention it as a gentle reminder when you thank the DJ during the break. Even if the result is minimal, it still shows your guests what kind of values your milonga stands for.

Sometimes we all need such nudges… small reminders of the things we take for granted and tend to overlook.

Because in the end, Tango really is all about trust… not only in the arms we hold, but in the ronda we share.

Before tonight’s Goodnight Tango… just a small thank-you.
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Tonight’s Goodnight Tango

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango is a challenge for a ronda. Have you ever tried to dance to it in a packed milonga where you didn’t trust the dancers around you? How was it? I guess it wasn’t the most enjoyable experience? On the other side, if you trust the dancers around you… It can be a really amazing experience.

So how about you? How do you deal with the leader’s cabeceo rule? Do you think it is unnecessary? Do you think it doesn’t contribute much? Let me know…

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