It’s not the dancers you see

Some organisers surprise you.

“We have a policy in our events,” he told me. “No stars. It creates the wrong dynamic.”
I smiled happily, not because it was funny, but because I had written about exactly this years ago. And here it was: an organiser proudly standing by it.

Another organiser once confessed something very different.
“The hardest part of running our event,” they said, “is choosing who gets in.”
Why is it so hard? And why do some organisers feel proud of an event because they didn’t let certain dancers in?

Let’s look at that.

The Difficulty of No

In a recent article, I wrote about the significance of “no”. Not just in tango, but in who we become as people.
If you say yes to everything, what do you stand for? It’s the “no’s” that create meaning. They carve your identity.

But let’s be honest: saying no comes with a cost.

Saying no to a dance because you don’t like the music… because you’re tired… because the embrace won’t feel right… it’s hard. Especially if, like me, you’re a people pleaser. It takes courage.

Now imagine being an organiser. Someone who wants to please their guests. Someone who works for months to create a beautiful experience. And then you have to decline dozens of applications… sometimes from people who aren’t used to hearing “no.”

How do you do that and still sleep at night?

Values

The answer is values.

You don’t say no because you feel superior. You don’t say no randomly. You say no because you have a vision, and your values guide every choice.

Maybe your value is equality.
Maybe it’s kindness.
Maybe it’s maintaining a certain atmosphere, or encouraging approachable dancers, or avoiding status games.

Whatever it is, your values shape your criteria.

And yes, they help in the filtering process. But even more importantly… They help you reconcile the emotional discomfort of saying no.

Because when you choose based on values, your “no” is not rejection.
It’s protection.

Trust in the Organizer

I don’t have the luxury of attending many events. Maybe three or four a year.
With limited time, money, and energy, I want each experience to count.

Looking back at everything I’ve tried so far, one thing stands out:

When I trust the organiser’s values, the event is almost always a good one for me.

If the organiser values fame and status, they will chase big names, and their event will feel like that.
If they value social etiquette, rules will be respected.
If they value warmth and friendliness, the room will fill with dancers who greet you with genuine smiles.

Every organiser has their internal compass. And if their compass points in the same direction as yours, you will naturally enjoy the event more. Because apart from you, every other person in the room has their value compass turned in the same direction.

We match with people… we connect with people… by values.

💥In case you missed it💥
The Rejections in Tango survey results are out.
Watch them here before the next topic takes over.

The Paradox of Joy Through Rejection

So let’s return to the big question:
How does an organiser deal with all those difficult “no’s”?

Here is the paradox:

The stronger they stand by their values, the more the right people will enter the room. The more those people will enjoy the event. And the happier the organiser will feel for having created that joy.

Saying no feels like spending money. It stings. It feels like something is being taken away for something in exchange. If you spend those “no’s” to buy a gift for yourself (e.g. have a financial profit), the joy will only last for a while and then quickly fade away. But when you spend those “no’s” to buy a gift for your guests… to protect the atmosphere, the balance, the harmony… the joy that comes back to you lasts much longer than the discomfort of rejecting someone.

Same “money” spent.
Different outcome.
Completely different aftertaste.

The Invisible Side of a Great Event

So next time you’re at an event you truly enjoy, think about this:

Think about the “no’s” that made it possible.
The quiet, uncomfortable decisions behind the scenes.
The people who aren’t in the room… the ones who would have changed the dynamic, the balance, the atmosphere.

Because in the end…

It’s not the dancers you see…
It’s the dancers you don’t see.

Before tonight’s Goodnight Tango… just a small thank-you.
The project is growing beyond the blog, with new videos, surveys, and a lively community.
Visiting the shop helps it stay ad-free and reader-supported

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango

Tonight’s Goodnight Tanog is about a return. A return after many years of different experiences to a simple life. I picked it because… sometimes reducing the options and committing to a few grounded values can be more liberating than countless options.

So how about you? Have you ever wondered about the cost of a great event in terms of declined people? Have you ever noticed events or organisers with strongly grounded values guiding their selection process?

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