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Don’t try this at home

Kevin Hart in one of his specials for Netflix describes how he watched porn and tried to apply something from a video while having sex with his wife. He tried, as he says, to spit on her face during sex. As you may expect, this had the exact opposite result from what was happening in the video he saw. So his advice was the common “Don’t try this at home” when it comes to such videos. Or at least don’t try this without agreeing beforehand with your partner.

A few months ago a friend of mine told me about an experience she had in a milonga we attended. A leader, who she hadn’t seen before, asked her to dance. She accepted and they started dancing. It wasn’t the most enjoyable sensation in general until at one point he did one of the strangest things ever. I mean, it’s so strange you don’t even see it often in shows. He leaned her on him while she was standing on one foot and then tried to slide her pushing her foot with his. She stopped immediately and told him to not try this again. Guess what was his answer?… “But I do it all the time!”.

Tango performances and porn videos

You may have seen the move in some very extreme performances, where everything is choreographed and the dancers have been training on such moves for years, like also in porn movies, where actors have been trained to control their reactions for the pleasure of the viewer. Much like in porn movies, some tango performances can include moves that definitely should have the title “Do not try this in a milonga” for those “smart” enough to even think they can try them in a milonga without previous training and agreement (choreography) with their partner.

Tango performances are in many cases designed to impress, much like porn videos. They are both shows. The partners even when they improvise, have a considerable amount of training between them to know very well each other to be able to perform complex moves. If you see the same dancers in the social context of a milonga you will probably be surprised by the simplicity and lack of such impressive moves, much like if you see porn stars talking about their private sex life (because you obviously won’t see them having sex privately). There is a distinct boundary between the two and we should be able to understand where this is and when we are crossing it. How can you know that?… Common sense and empathy. Would you like it, if your partner did something similar to you? Would you feel safe?

A word of advice

So, the next time you are in a milonga and think you are a Tango star… (much like Kevin Hart was thinking he was a porn star)… remember… you are not in front of cameras performing for an audience. You are there for yourself, your partner, and the music. There is no other reason. There shouldn’t be any other reason. So, much like porn stars in their private lives and tango stars in social contexts… try to be discrete, sensitive, and considerate of your partner’s wants and needs rather than trying to impose your wannabe persona on them! Just be yourself and believe me… you (and your partner) will enjoy it much more.

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango

The story is using a real example where a leader is trying to dance like a performer bringing the follower into a difficult position. Although this is the most common scenario, it doesn’t mean that the opposite doesn’t also happen. So that is why I am talking about partners and not followers and leaders. Tonight’s Goodnight Tango has nothing to do with porn (how could it?). It’s all about love and tango. Nothing more.

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