Tango and men in today’s world

Coming full circle

I started those posts with one analyzing the power of men based on numbers. I continued on the theme of men possibly feeling disconnected and unnecessary in Tango communities, and I finished by discussing the names of roles and the idea of authenticity concerning dancing the opposite gender role. In my latest post, I tried to answer all those readers who might be jumping quickly to conclusions putting me in the box of toxic, anachronistic and old-fashioned men. Now we come full circle. In this post, I would like to conclude (at least for the time being) my thoughts on all this discussion on gender and role imbalance and close (hopefully) this series of posts with an idea for a way forward in our communities.

Men and Tango

A few weeks ago I was asking the blog’s community (have you not joined it yet?) if the problem we face is a role imbalance or a gender imbalance.  If you look at the two issues and the strong attachment of roles to gender you can understand that there is a cause-and-effect connection between them. If there was no gender imbalance, there wouldn’t be any role imbalance. Right? Even some advocates of double-role dancing admit that if there were more men they wouldn’t need to dance as leaders socially. So the fundamental problem in the communities is the gender imbalance and this results in the role imbalance.

So the critical question then becomes “Why men don’t dance Tango?”. One can even generalize the question to “Why men don’t dance?” but since this is the GoodnightTango and not the GoodnightSalsa blog let’s focus on Tango. The easy answer is that men are socially conditioned to think that dancing is for women. Indeed, in many Western cultures, the image of a man is not often linked with dance. So obviously when you propose to a man to start learning Tango he will most probably be reluctant. I know this because I was too. I started it because my partner wanted us to do something together. The irony is that she quit and I continued but that is a story for another post.

A few posts ago I had a discussion in the comments section of a post which ended up with a comment of despair that one has when one tries to face the deepest societal issues behind men’s reluctance to dance. The point of the comment was .. “Yeah…. good luck with making men dance”. It is indeed paralyzing when you face the problem in its entirety but what If we just focus on Tango? The last few posts which explore the theme of roles and genders made me realize that maybe, Tango has a kind of competitive advantage over other dances, especially in attracting men. I think this is crucial because if we focus on that, we can take much better action instead of getting paralyzed by confronting deeply rooted social conditioning issues in their entirety.

Instincts and intrinsic motivation

In the podcast with Richard Sleeves, he explains that sometimes men act in specific ways because of our “instincts” (it’s on quotes because it’s not really accurate). For example, according to studies, men are usually more keen to take risks. This leads them to be more likely to join the army or do dangerous jobs. But if we look at the average person’s everyday life there are still signs of such behaviors. An example mentioned was how men tend to walk on the outer side of the pavement when they accompany a woman. Many times they do so unconsciously. But if you analyze it, the behavior has to do with their “instinct” to protect the woman and become they are keener to take the risk of being hit by a car. There are so many other things that we do in our everyday lives and we never realize the deeper “instincts” that lead us to do them. We just feel them as natural.

Months ago I bumped into a video from a psychologist explaining the concept of positive masculinity (unfortunately I didn’t keep the link). Back then many of the ideas seemed indeed like anachronistic or conservative. The main point was that masculine behavior means to provide and care for the woman in your life. As I wrote in the previous post, I thought, “Well, women are supposed to be encouraged to be independent. Why men should take care and provide for them?”. So I found the ideas kind of ridiculous and absurd. But there was a very important point mentioned that surprised me. Positive masculinity is providing and caring for the woman because this act alone makes the man happy and content. It is driven by this intrinsic motivation and doesn’t expect any returns.

Listening to the podcast discussion mentioned above and how our genders make us act in certain ways, I realized that I also do many of those things instinctively without thinking. Not just in the context of dance but in everyday life. Tango (and writing about it) kind of made me look into them more in detail. Tango made me enjoy them even more. Tango helped me understand how to get even more pleasure from enacting them. I could say that to some extent… Tango made me discover what positive masculinity is and helped me find the joy in being that! A man who cares and provides for the women in his life whether it is a lifelong relationship or a ten-minute Tanda.

Let’s Co-Create

The cognitive dissonance of men in Tango

Tango communities today reflect somehow the problems our modern societies face when it comes to relationships. You will very often hear women complaining about the lack of “real men” (whatever that means) in today’s societies. There is so much to unpack on this but as it is often mentioned, the reality is that the progress achieved by the feminist movement (which it goes without saying that it is very positive) led to men having an identity crisis and disconnecting themselves from social structures.

A crucial factor here is the extremism I mentioned in the previous post. Men today are often reluctant to act in certain ways like paying a compliment to a female friend just because they are afraid of it being misinterpreted. Much of the masculine behavior is stigmatized to the degree that men are afraid to act the way they would like to because they are afraid of being misjudged and misinterpreted. All this leaves today’s men at a loss. Wanting deep inside to behave in certain ways but being afraid to do so.

Here comes Tango. The etiquette, the music, the embrace, the respect, the intimacy and the unique polarization of genders presented in the dance create a perfect storm for men. The environment in Tango requires you to show masculine attributes like taking risks (see cabeceo), taking care of your partner, showing confidence and assertiveness, etc. Some of these behaviors when taken outside of the Tango context would make the same men cringe or feel creepy. And here is the cognitive dissonance. Men want to behave in a way that although deep inside it feels good to them, their mind (which criticizes their behavior based on the everyday life context) tells them that this is not right. Their mind tells them, they shouldn’t behave in such a way. This can be confusing for anyone out there. Unless one manages to compartmentalize between the two worlds and think it through, they will probably take the easy solution and leave.

A unique opportunity

This exact problem if turned upside down can be a unique opportunity for men. Tango can provide men with a unique opportunity to find themselves. All we need to do is realize that certain behaviors can range from cringy to delightful if we just change the context. Tango as a context can transform all those otherwise cringy behaviors and can make them lean more on the delightful and pleasurable side.

That is why I believe that modern men can find in tango a unique playground where all those instinctive behaviors of gentle, kind and respectful masculinity make sense and have a reason. Tango can help men today rediscover the masculinity inside them. Not the toxic one. The gentle, the kind, the respectful and yet caring and providing man that women appreciate. Last year, I wrote a text about how men can make themselves more comfortable with intimacy through Tango. Today, I realize how Tango can help men rediscover themselves!

Reconciling two worlds colliding

In most modern societies, women are much more capable and equal to men than at any other time in history. They may not need the protection, they may also seek risks and join dangerous jobs but as the podcast explains even when women take the lead in a couple they surely enjoy having the option not to do so. Having a man on their side who can take the lead and provide for the family is giving them this freedom. The same goes for men. Knowing that you have a woman on your side who can take the lead and provide for the family while you take care of the children or focus on other issues is indeed liberating. Modern healthy couples can support each other and exchange roles whenever necessary not having a problem with stereotypes of gender roles in a family. But that doesn’t mean they abandon their identity. That doesn’t mean that they should stop enjoying being and acting on their primary gender role.

In Tango, we see how women react to the gender imbalance. They take over the lead and empower other women. But in the process, they also become better partners. I mean who doesn’t enjoy dancing with a follower who has an opinion and you can trust to take the lead in suggesting ideas for the dance? Maybe the leaders who didn’t learn how to read and follow their partner. Maybe traditionalists who still want to live in the 40s. But for a leader who lives and dances in today’s world this is a given. You can learn this to some extent, even without learning to follow. It may take more time (I am not sure about it)… but it can surely happen and I speak from experience.

As leaders in Tango apart from discovering our masculine side we need to be able to give opportunities to our partners, stay on the sidelines, listen to them, support them, champion them, follow them! Like in life being able to change roles is definitely important and learning the opposite role can definitely help. But the reason for learning and acting the opposite role should not be to necessarily dance in that role if don’t feel like it. The main reason should be to be able to use the role from your side. Follow as a leader and lead as a follower.  Because, only then you become a true partner that can be trusted in dance. Like a father who can take care of his child and household is a reliable partner for a woman the same is a leader who can follow as a leader. The father never changes his identity, if he feeds his baby or cleans the house, etc. He never becomes a mother, but does what a mother would do (based on traditional views) while still being a father. The same for a mother who works to provide for a family while the father is for example unemployed. She is not becoming a father, but does what a father would do (again based on traditional views). In today’s world we need to be able to switch roles without losing or compromising our identity.

These kinds of lessons (following as a leader) can help men reconcile this cognitive dissonance between the everyday life world and the Tango one. They can understand that they can express all those masculine attributes they want, but at the same time, they are also able to act as men in modern society and be trustworthy partners first and foremost. Speaking from personal experience when I started understanding a bit more the details behind this “following as leader” concept, I started feeling much more comfortable with my dance. Because, now it fits much more my personality in the real world and makes me cringe much less than it used to. Plus it also made me enjoy much more the masculine side of me.

Can we solve the real problem?

After all this, it should be obvious that Tango dancing as a man is not at all a feminine activity. It is a deeply masculine one which can help men rediscover themselves! It can help them rediscover the man in them and change the way they see their gender identity. It can help them discover the positive aspects of their masculinity and lean on them.

Moreover, it can teach them how to understand and find out the part of femininity inside them without compromising or losing their masculine identity. Being able to understand the distinction between being something and playing a role is crucial in finding the balance inside us and become not only better persons but better partners both in Tango and in life

So here we go. Instead of focusing on how to establish role balance in our communities by maybe pushing female followers to start leading, why don’t we try to establish gender balance? Why don’t we try communicating to the men out there the reality about Tango? Why don’t we try to show that Tango for men is an activity which can help them become better men, better persons and most importantly better partners both in dance and in real life?

If you have a male friend who is afraid to start Tango because of all these myths… then send him this post and let’s see if you can convince them to get in their first class.

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango is talking about how magic Tango can be. It talks about the beautiful Tango, the gentle Tango the noble Tango. It also comes for an orchestra and a singer who, for me, demonstrates the perfect combination between the masculine and feminine energy. D’Arienzo’s orchestra with its characteristic tough edgy rhythm combined with the smoothness and softness of Hector Maure’s voice.

So what do you think? Can Tango help men rediscover their positive masculine side? Can it help them become better partners in life? Is that a good enough incentive to bring more men in Tango? Can and should we communicate it stronger? Let me know your thoughts…

Do you have something to say on the topic?

^{Join the group}

^{PM me on messenger}

^{Drop me an email}

Did you like the post? Spread the word…