Imagine that someone offers to give you for free a diamond or a bottle of water. Which one would you choose? I guess that most people reading this question would answer… “The diamond”. If you compare the prices of the two goods, there is no doubt that diamonds cost more. That is why you would choose it. Now imagine you are in the desert without food or water for days. Suddenly, someone offers you the exact same thing. A bottle of water or a diamond. How about now? I guess you changed your mind. Right? There is an interesting paradox when it comes to the value of things. The paradox of value. The previous example shows that the value of a good can depend on a person’s current condition.
This paradox led to several other theories one of which is the theory of marginal utility. What is this? Imagine that in the previous scenario in the dessert you were offered water or diamond every 10 minutes. What would you do? Of course, in the first few times, you would go for the water. Once you were no longer thirsty, you would build a good stack of bottles to keep you going. Then, you would consider the diamond. This leads us to the definition of marginal utility. Marginal utility is the amount of a good where it becomes less necessary for a person. Therefore, it loses its value for that person. Think about it. If you offer 1000 euro to a billionaire they would not even notice it. If you did the same to someone with no money at all it would be a potential life changer.
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The water bottle leaders
We all know that there is often a mismatch between leaders and followers in a typical Tango community. Leaders are usually like a bottle of water in a desert. It is quite often that followers will choose to dance with a leader who has poor skills, bad technique and no musicality. They make this choice just because they are out of options. If we take the analogy with the person in the desert in this case there is a slight difference. Both options given will satisfy their need. One however will also provide an additional pleasure. Some time ago, I got a similar comment from a reader (thank you, Stephanie). She mentioned that the option seems like giving a starving person the choice between bread and cake. Both will satisfy their hunger but the cake will give them also some additional pleasure. However, for a starving follower, there is a problem. She is not alone and there is one cake and four loaves of bread for twenty of them. Some will stay hungry… some will get the bread… and one the cake. If you want you can deny the bread hoping in the next round to get the cake. But if you are too hungry even a loaf of bread will be ok for you.
As a leader, you might see yourself as a cake or a bread. You may see yourself as a diamond, a water bottle or anything in between. The more you get accepted and have dances, the more possible it is to start considering yourself like a cake. Many leaders would overestimate their skills just because they happen to be selected and danced often. Not to mention what happens, if they are asked by followers to join marathons or other events with them.
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This easily creates an illusion for leaders. The illusion of thinking that you are a good leader when you actually are an average or even worse… a bad one. The problem is that the community and the way it behaves will never give you a sign of the opposite. Even more so, they will create a nice echo chamber. In this chamber, your self-esteem will be boosted to the highest levels. Until someday you end up in a milonga, in a community, without your usual friends, outside of your echo chamber. A community that treats you differently.
When this happens there are two roads to choose. One road is denial. You will find the community too snobbish or too low-level for you and complain about it. The other road is self-doubt and criticism. Here you will start doubting yourself and you will try to find out what you miss. What you lack. Now you may think that the first road is the wrong path and the second the correct. You may think I would advise you to improve no matter what.
But… wait a sec… not so fast!
Before you set up to choose the improvement path question yourself. Do you even have a place in that community? I mean look around you. Do you see dancers that attract your attention in a good way? Do you see yourself as part of that community? What would it take to be part of them? What changes would you need to do? Are those changes in line with your way of thinking? Are they in line with your values?…. with how you see the dance? If yes… then maybe you indeed need to improve. If not… maybe you are in the wrong place.
If, for example, you care about musicality and are in a community that worships dancers who throw a back-sacada every 10 seconds without any connection to the music, just accept that you are an outcast. If you don’t feel like being that kind of dancer accept you are an outsider. But if you want to be that person, and you thought you were that person, yet you don’t see the expected acceptance, then you definitely need to improve.
How to know who you are?
I have the opportunity to be in between different communities and visit different kinds of milongas. Sometimes I observe the social dynamics, especially in milongas where people don’t know me. Just a few days ago, I visited such a milonga. A few friends knew me there. However, I was pretty much a new unknown face for many of the dancers. One of the hot-shot dancers in that milonga took vast spaces off the floor when dancing. He was doing all kinds of crazy moves and his attitude exuded extreme confidence. I immediately imagined him in the context of an encuentro I recently visited. He would be like a fish out of water. This guy believes that he is a super dancer and he is a pretty good one in the world of Tango he inhabits. But unless he gets out of his echo chamber, he will never see the world of Tango outside of it. He will never realize all the different colours and flavours this dance has. If he stays stuck in this small community he will never have the opportunity to grow.
It’s not easy to know who you are or even better who you want to become. Many times you will be lost in this journey. But once you find the path that fits you… you will know it. It will feel like home to you. You will feel at peace with yourself. However, no matter what you do, never stop searching, questioning and exposing yourself to different contexts… different environments. It is a really interesting experience. Even if you think you found your path. Even if you think you found your home. Never stop exploring. Because the journey is the goal!
… and Tango is a lifelong self-discovery journey.
Tonight’s Goodnight Tango
Tonight Goodnight Tango is a farewell song to someone’s home country. The hero leaves his home country for new adventures and places. Although there is an evident nostalgia in it, you can’t also miss the tones of happiness and hope appearing in Troilo’s interpretation.
So how about you? Do you consider yourself a water bottle or a diamond? Are you offered to thirsty people in the desert? Have you tested your value in different contexts? Have you ever been in contexts where you feel like a fish out of water? How did you handle it? Let me know in the comments…
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