Unknown or unseen?

Incognito

If you read this blog, you might think I am some kind of super-famous dancer. You might think I am known in milongas. You know… the kind of person who immediately attracts attention when he enters the space. The truth is that I am quite the opposite. Maybe, I became a little “famous” in the community in Frankfurt. People who read my posts and approached me to discuss them. However, in general, people don’t know me. I don’t make an effort to become known. I mean… I will never go to a milonga and introduce myself to the organisers like I am some kind of celebrity. I see my analytics and I know how “famous” or not I am.

The other day, I went to a milonga in Greece and I was wearing my Goodnight Tango T-shirt. The milonga was not so crowded. I sat in a corner and started observing the place. I have been there a couple of times in the past but as I said… I was always under the radar. On this day, something funny happened. The organiser came up to me. They started asking if I knew about Tango, if I danced, and if I knew the rules of milongas. I politely answered that I did, although I was trying hard not to burst into laughs. This just goes to prove how unknown I am in some milongas in a city where the community is quite small I would say!

Unknown but seen

A few years ago, I was sitting in my chair at a marathon. A few chairs to my left, another guy came to take his place. A Val’s Tanda was playing and I was making my usual pause. (Somehow I am not a big Valses fan). I was however enjoying the music and I was air playing my bandoneon and piano. The guy on my left, enjoying the music as well, was also playing his own instruments. At some moment we noticed each other and even though we did not know each other we immediately connected. We saw each other and a smile came to our faces acknowledging our shared love for the music. We didn’t introduce ourselves… we didn’t chat… we just continued on our music-playing game. Later on, I received a message from him. He told me about an event they were organizing and invited me to join if I wanted.

I finally joined the event the next year. I was greeted with a warm hug and the instruction that no bracelets were given for the event. As they told me (and everyone else coming in) they knew all of the participants personally. I got in… found a seat and observed the crowd. The milonga was almost in full swing but I didn’t know almost anyone. Everywhere I looked there were new unfamiliar faces. However, on my first attempt to cabeceo a partner, I was directly accepted. Nobody knew me. She didn’t know me. But I understood she wanted to dance… I wanted to dance… We saw each other… Cabeceod and next thing you know we were on the dancefloor. The same thing kept happening anywhere I looked for the rest of the weekend. Unknown people… dancers I never met before… somehow saw me and I saw them. So simple… so easy… and so so beautiful!

Known but unseen

A few days ago I visited a milonga in Greece. My teacher was DJing and I haven’t heard him for a long time. Therefore, some of the people there already knew me from the time I was in his classes. Moreover, I also knew that some other friends would be there. In general, I can say that for many people there, I was a familiar face. They have certainly seen me again. Maybe they know me well… maybe we have danced… or just maybe we know each other’s faces. You know how it is.

Apart from the friends that I see often, I received a blank stare when I tried to look for other dancers. This made me feel invisible. It wasn’t just one case. It was generic. You know… I believe I’m at a point that when I look for a cabeceo, I am not just trying to find anyone. I am trying to find someone who I can feel she wants to dance. You can feel this in their body language. I believe that after 8 years I can sense it much better. Before I even try to cabeceo, I first check if the person is willing to dance. I do this by looking at their body language. If they sit bored and indifferent in their chair, looking blankly on the void or on their phone obviously the music doesn’t move them. I may as well dance with the chair if that is the case. It is normal to see this indifference in some people when a Tanda starts. But in this case, the phenomenon was repeated and widespread. I felt like I was invisible… Unseen.

Don’t get me wrong. People danced. And they danced a lot. But for me… It was like I went to the wrong party. Like I was not really meant to be there. Like I was in the candid camera show and they were trying to see how I would react. If you ever felt this way you know what I am talking about.

Seeing people

Some time ago I asked the members of the community if Tango fits as a hobby for introverted personalities. Most of the answers agreed that it certainly fits. This is because of the structure it provides. It also depends on how the social interactions happen. If you want to take part in such interesting discussions… Join the community now! Introverted personalities do enjoy alone time. Sometimes they will just sit in their place having a good time, even without chatting or dancing with anyone. But that doesn’t mean that they want to be invisible. Everyone wants to be seen. Nobody likes being invisible forever.

As a slightly introvert myself, I can say that I don’t have a problem being unknown and alone in a milonga. Sometimes I would even enjoy sitting out with friends just enjoying the music together without the necessity to speak. Even so, I always like it when some new dancer sees me with curiosity and an open mind. I also try to exercise that. See and discover unknown (to me) dancers.

Throughout these years in Tango, I came to realise that you don’t need to know someone to see them. Also sometimes even if you know someone it doesn’t mean that you really see them. Part of what keeps me in Tango is that I still see and am seen by people. I still encounter people who see me… and I still try to discover and see new people. I don’t care to be known. I care to be seen… even without being known. Actually… It is even better when some total stranger sees you! I believe that this is part of what keeps everyone in Tango. Being seen!

Moreover, after all these years, I came to realise something important. You don’t need to know someone to see them. You don’t need to prove to anyone that you are worth seeing. People who have their eyes and minds open will just see you. They don’t expect any proof. They don’t expect any credentials. They don’t expect anything. They just see you! For years, I struggled with the idea that I needed to prove I was “good” if I wanted to dance with a good dancer. But no matter how I improved and what I did… to some dancers, I was still invisible. Until I was seen by dancers who didn’t wait for any proof. Dancers that I never expected them to see me. Dancers who I am grateful for sharing tandas with them.

Given all that, I wonder. Is it worth spending time to discover and see new people in an environment when no one cares to see you? Is it worth visiting such milongas only for the hope that you will be seen (when you know that this will probably not happen)? Maybe not!

Now that I think of it better… Certainly not!

So what is now my advice to all of you out there who feel invisible? Find the place where people see you. Not because of your “level”… not because of your years in Tango… Not because you are known (for whatever reason).

Find the place where people see you simply because of you!

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango is about indifference. Although it is under a different context, the feeling of being ignored, and unseen is similar and quite hard. I think it is one of the most brutal ones one can receive. However, after all this… there is a lesson to be learnt for me. From now on… when I sense this… I will just leave. There is always somewhere another place to be seen.

So how about you? Have you ever felt unseen? Have you ever felt invisible? If yes what did you do? How did you handle it?

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