Caveman mode ON!

Little milonga discussions…

“I feel that if I will ever dance with her, I need to be at my best.” A friend of mine told me in a milonga some time ago. I’ve heard that thought before. Actually, I used to think that way too. In my first couple of years, whenever I was dancing with a better dancer, I would try to perform the latest sequence I learned in class to impress them.

When I danced later on with another dancer during a conversation about trust… she told me… “Sometimes I feel like some men try to impress me when we dance together”. I wanted so much to grab my friend and get him in front of her to say it to his face, but I couldn’t.

These conversations stayed with me. And they made me think…

Why do so many men feel the need to impress their partners in the first place?

We are still cavemen

Many animals on the planet, including humans, have some kind of mating rituals. Birds sing to win their lovers’ hearts, roosters, cats, and other animals might fight, and others might change colours or display their traits in any kind of competition. Humans have had and still have a lot of such rituals, and actually, dance is part of them. In the dance, the man and the woman can display through movement their mating availability and potential. Moving harmoniously with the music displays a healthy human ready for reproduction. From an evolutionary standpoint, dancing makes little sense… You burn energy and lose alertness. And yet, it’s been around since prehistoric times. Why? Because it served a deeper purpose: social bonding and mating rituals.

We may not be cavemen anymore, but our brains still carry echoes of those instinctive patterns. Understanding them can help us respond differently today. When we go dancing, even if we live in 2025, our caveman brains still kick in. At least that’s what I can tell for men (because that’s my experience). When you see an attractive-looking woman dancing, although in your mind you might rationalise the dance and say I don’t want to dance with her so that I can have sex with her, our caveman brains in the back are still alive. You still think…. “Ok… But I need to impress her to select me to dance!” Similar to what a caveman would think. “I need to impress her with my skills to select me for mating!”. It is the same thought process disguised in the current social construct.

But, where are you? You finally manage to nail that tanda you were waiting for. You embrace her… It feels good… You enjoy it… Take your first steps and then.

Caveman mode on!

Sacada, barrida,  gancho, boleo, colgada, volcada and last but not least…. yes… I can do a back sacada too… that will show her what kind of a man I am! You finish the tanda, and you feel like the king of the hill! The master of masters! You made it! You showed her how good you are! You showed her what you’re made of!

But… Did you show her who you REALLY are?

I bet not!

Useless manosphere advice

One of the major cultural shifts in recent decades has been the growing influence of feminist and progressive movements. As with any shift, there has also been a backlash. In this case, what some call the “manosphere.” This space is filled with voices claiming to teach men how to become “alpha males”, often through surface-level advice that reduces masculinity to dominance, status, or image. The underlying message is this: if you want to attract a woman, you need to become someone else. As if you’re not already a man. The problem is that this advice encourages men to perform a role… to hide their real character behind a curated identity, like a highlight reel on Instagram. But relationships built on performance rarely hold up. Whether in dating or dancing, when you’re constantly playing a part, you’re not giving anyone the chance to connect with the real you.

Also, if a woman accepts you as a fake image that you project?… How sustainable is this relationship? The same happens in the tango scenario I described above. We try to become somebody else. A better man… A better dancer… A super dancer… To show that we are worthy of her tanda. To prove she was right to dance with you… and that she should do it again. But was that you that they danced with? Or just a projection like the Instagram manosphere influencers?

The real secret

Let me tell you a secret….

Women know!

Yes. No matter how hard you try to impress them, they know who you are. They see how you dance with other partners. Especially if they are experienced, they can tell from the first moments that you pretend to be someone else. They sense your body, your anxiety, your stress, your need to prove something to them. And you know what? Some may enjoy flashy moves, but for most experienced dancers out there, the real impression comes from authenticity, not acrobatics. If you want to impress the woman who dances with you… Just be you. Do you think you are awkward? Silly? Stressed? Nerdy? Uncomfortable? Vulnerable? Don’t try to hide it. Just own it. Just tell yourself… “This is who I am. I am flawed, imperfect, anxious, and vulnerable… but you chose to dance with me and I will be myself …here… with you… for this dance!”

Don’t try to be somebody else.

Don’t fake it.

And now… let me tell you another secret.

They will love it! They will look for you again. It doesn’t matter that you never did that gancho. It doesn’t matter that you never did that colgada. They will look for you because they knew it was YOU with whom they danced.

Nobody else.

Tango is a dance of connection. If you don’t show yourself… your real self… who is going to connect with your partner?

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango.

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango is a Tango about Don Juan. A man who brags about his Tango skills and how impressive he is. If this is who you are, well done. Be that. But if you are not… then find yourself and don’t try to be a Don Juan.

So, how about you? Have you ever felt like you need to impress your partner? Or have you ever felt that your partner was trying to impress you while dancing? How do you deal with these scenarios in your mind?

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