The excuse gap and the internal quiet

You can find the first post here.
The second one here.
And the third one here.

Previously on Goodnight Tango

In the last post, I wrote about the two different orientations of growth in Tango and the key differences between them. Especially in how they see the partner in the dance equation. The post finished with the following questions:

If your growth orientation and intention are right, why does judgment remain?
Why do good dancers still feel misunderstood? And if the judgment does not disappear, why choose the relational growth path at all?

Intentions are not always observable

People judge you as cold because perception and inner orientation operate on different layers.

Others do not see your intentions. They see outcomes: who you dance with, who you don’t, how often you sit, and how visible those choices are. When what people see does not match how you see yourself, tension appears. And when that tension becomes uncomfortable, we feel the need to explain our motivations.

But here is the problem.

Most of these explanations completely miss the relational dimension of Tango. They emphasise personal comfort, personal enjoyment, or personal safety. In doing so, they unintentionally demoralise the other person. The partner appears not as an end in themselves, but as a means to our pleasure.

The excuse gap

Excuses and explanations arise when judgment feels real. When there is a gap between what others perceive and how we want to be perceived. The explanation is an attempt to reconcile that gap.

But when such excuses appear, they often reveal something deeper. We may tell ourselves, “I am not doing this for my pleasure,” yet the outcome looks indistinguishable from acting purely for our own benefit.

Notice something interesting. Have you ever heard someone explain their behaviour by saying:

“I may appear cold, but I am selective because I care about our shared growth as a community”?

Almost never.

The explanations we hear usually sound like:

“I am selective because I need to protect myself.”

“I am selective because I want to enjoy myself.”

“I am selective because I deserve good dances.”

These explanations reveal the real issue. We frame improvement as something for ourselves, not for our relationships with others. Our comfort, pleasure, or safety becomes the goal… and the other person becomes the variable that either serves or blocks that goal.

So do these excuses really help bridge the gap?
And if they don’t, what actually does?

💥In case you missed it💥
The Rejections in Tango survey results are out.
Watch them here before the next topic takes over.

Exporting the tension

Have you ever wondered why we don’t hear people justifying their behaviour in terms of relational growth?

It is because the need to do so has vanished. When someone truly acts from a relational place, their values and actions are aligned. There is no internal contradiction to resolve. Judgment from the outside may still exist, but it does not destabilise the dancer. It doesn’t demand an explanation.

In the previous post, I suggested that the difference between these two mindsets becomes obvious under tension. In a personal growth mindset, the tension is exported to your partner. In a relational growth mindset, the tension is managed internally. You allocate your capacities to maintain the connection despite the difficulty.

This ability to handle tension extends beyond the dance floor. When a dancer, focused on personal growth, is judged, they try to export that social pressure by offering the excuses mentioned above. They are trying to “talk” their way out of a perceived deficit.

The internal quiet

For the dancer who has grown relationally, the tension does not exist inside them. It exists only externally, between them and their observers. This creates a profound internal quiet. You act from a deeply grounded place where your actions speak for themselves. You know that your values align with your behaviour, so you feel no urge to excuse yourself.

You know that, eventually, people will see the reality of your contribution and perhaps reconsider their judgment. And even if they don’t, you no longer feel the need to bridge the gap with words.

This is the hidden prize of choosing the relational path: a deeply rooted, grounded behaviour that needs no defence. It is the freedom of being seen for exactly what you are, without the exhausting need to explain it.

But this freedom raises another question. We often hear that it is “lonely at the top”… that as you reach the peak of Tango, the air gets thinner and the circle of partners smaller.

If this grounded, relational path is so rewarding, why do so many of us believe that the top feels lonely for those who reach it?
If the higher you climb, the lonelier it feels… then is it worth improving at all?

Before tonight’s Goodnight Tango… just a small thank-you.
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Tonight’s Goodnight Tango

Tonight’s Goodnight Tango is a song that captures the moment the “me-centric” veil falls away: “La abandoné y no sabía”. The lyrics describe a man who walked away from a relationship, thinking only of his own path, only to realise far too late that he had misunderstood the value of the partner standing right in front of him. It is a haunting reminder of the “exporting tension” mindset: we justify our distance as self-protection or growth, only to find that our excuses have turned a small gap into an unbridgeable canyon.

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